...or is he just professionally skinny? And by skinny, I mean less fat. I was watching television today when I was attacked with another excruciating Subway ad featuring everybody's buddy, Jared. It occurred to me that this might be Jared's occupation: talking about being fat even though he isn't fat anymore.

I mean, he could have some kind of office job, but can you imagine working with Jared? You could never go out to lunch. Well, you could, but it'd always be at Subway...and you can only stomach an Italian BMT so many times. (If Jared lost weight eating BMTs [Biggest, Meatiest, Tastiest], then that would be amazing.)

Never satisfied by an unanswered question, I hit the Internet. Looks like Jared's a professional ex-fatty. He tours the country scaring youngsters into pounding down yummy turkey sandwiches. The guy's got his own foundation, The Jared Foundation. He looks so happy helping the children.

Okay, so he doesn't actually work, but is he still a sandwich junkie? Subway.com puts us at ease: "Today, Jared still enjoys his favorite SUBWAY® sandwich, but has eased himself into eating other foods." That's Subway's way of saying he's trying to break his crippling addiction. One more footlong Veggie Delight without mayo or cheese is all it'd take.

I really couldn't find any personal details about this Jared fella except that he went to college (that's where he started his diet). But we do have one bit of dirt...he's Jewish!

Jewish Jared led me to discover an interesting Subway tidbit. Fat, sandwich-loving Jews in Ohio are mighty happy indeed. The Mandel Jewish Community Center in Beachwood, OH (suburb of Cleveland) opened the first ever kosher Subway restaurant. Naturally, Jared was there for the ribbon-cutting.

In keeping with kosher dietary laws, the menu at the SUBWAY® restaurant will feature meat and pareve; no dairy items will be served. Pareve are foods such as fruits, vegetables, fish, eggs and bread that are prepared without meat, milk or their derivatives, and are permissible to be eaten with both meat and dairy dishes.

With slight modifications, such as no pork-based products such as bacon or ham, and the use of soy-based cheese, the menu is virtually identical to that of any other SUBWAY® restaurant.

For more on the Jewish Subway, mosey on over to the article at PR.com.

I'm sorry that I haven't reached a suitable conclusion as to Jared's current and previous occupational status. Oh well. Jared is not just an awkward spokesman for Subway, he's an enigma whose outrageous loss of 245 pounds might just be the beginning of some enormous, dastardly plan. Nah! I mean...it's Jared.